I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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