Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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