i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Semen is not good for contacts.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
