this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
