I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
