I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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