my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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