There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
