first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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