I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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