She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
