I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
