I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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