i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
