he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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