When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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