Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
