whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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