Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
