she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
