he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
