I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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