I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
