I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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