Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
