so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
