so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
