remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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