The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
