I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
