I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
