im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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