The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
