i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
