He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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