I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
