sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
