i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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