What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
