id be glad to
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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