worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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