if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
