So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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