I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
did i just pee glitter
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
