I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
