i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
