I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
