I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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