I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
