I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
