She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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