He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
