The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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