so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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