Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
