Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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